I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
