Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
