there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
