This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
