Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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