I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Every concussion has its silver lining
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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