If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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