I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
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Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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