it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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