I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
