Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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