New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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