my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
he thought i was a dude.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
