i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
