just come out here and I will go home with you...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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