my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
