You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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