So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
