I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
