Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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