she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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