my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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