You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The beer is more important than you right now.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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