Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
