I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
