let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
