I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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