i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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