I wanna passion pit in your ass
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
