The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
