Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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