I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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