We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
