sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
