I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
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