it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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