You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
