So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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