: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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