Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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