dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
