i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
