I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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