i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
