I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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