weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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