Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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