True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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