So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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