Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
