You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
