I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
