This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
