Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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