i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
