she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
