i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i barfeds in our rink
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
