Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
