Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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